Tim Vine (Comedian) Bio, Wiki, Age, Wife, Kids, One-Liners, Salary, Net Worth , Awards

Tim Vine Biography-Wiki

Time Vine was born as Timothy Mark Vine is an English writer, comedian, presenter, and actor. He has written and performed different one-liner jokes. Vine won the Edinburgh Festival Fringe Award for the best joke.

Tim Vine Age

Vine was born on March 4, 1967, in Cheam, London, England. He is 52 years as of 2010. Vine celebrates his birth on March 4 every year.

Tim Vine Height

Vine stands at a height of 1.88m.

Tim Vine Early Life

Vine was born in Cheam, England. He is the son of Diana and Guy Vine. His father was a lecturer at North East Survey College if Technology teaching civil engineering. Vine’s mother was a housewife and sometimes a doctor’s receptionist.

Tim Vine Education

Vine together with his brother, Jeremy Vine attended Epsom College.

Tim Vine Family

He is the son of Diana Tillet and Guy Vine. His father was a lecturer at North East Survey College if Technology teaching civil engineering. Vine’s mother was a housewife and sometimes a doctor’s receptionist. He has one sister, Sonya Vine and one brother, Jeremy Vine. He has two nieces, Ann Vine, and Marthe Vine.

His brother Jeremy is a journalist, broadcaster and an English presenter. He hosts his own BBC Radio 2 program addressing news and interviews. He is 54 years old and was married to Janelle who was a banker. The two spent little time together and had to part ways.

For now, he is married to Rachael Schofield and together they are blessed with two kids who are both girls, Ann Vine, and Marth Vine.

Tim Vine Wife | Married

Vine likes to keep his personal life private hence information about his dating life is not available. It is therefore not known whether he is married or has any children. However, this information will be updated as soon as it is available.

Tim Vine Career

Tim Vine Stand-up

Vine won the Edinburgh Festival Fringe Award for the best joke. The Tim Vine Shambles and The Tim Vine Fiasco show won him the Perrier Newcomer Award. He performed his show Punslinger at Edinburgh Festival Fringe in 2008. In 2007, 2008 and 2013 Vine appeared at Spring Harvest Festival together with John archer and Minehead.

He also attended the show Time Vine, Live in Concrete in Mau 2007. Vine has gone to several tours like Current Puns and Punslinger in 2006 and 2007 respectively. He released his first DVD entitled So I Said To This Broke in 2008. Tim released another DVD in his third tour The Joke Motive in 2010.

Many of Tim’s jokes have been falsely accredited to Tomy Cooper.

Tim Vine Theatre

December 2010: Snow White and THe Seven Dwarfs
December 2012: Aladdin
2014 and 2015: Cinderella
December 2016 to Jan 2017: Dick Whittington

Tim Vine Music

Vine likes playing guitar, piano, and drums apart from his role in the comedy industry. He has been in several bands including The Flared Generation which was described by Smash Hit Magazine as the most unfashionable band in the country.

Tim Vine Television

Vine represented the Chanel 5 Game show from 1997 to 1998. Tim hosted Fluke Show from May to August 1997 which he also conceived. In 2004 Vine hosted Fort Boyard Takes on the World. Tim appeared on The Sketch Shoe on ITV with Lee Mark from 2001 to 2004.

The two later worked on BBC One playing Timothy’s role from 2006 to 2012 when he departed. He has appeared in different comics including Comic Relief Does Fame Academy in 2007 and Lets Dance for Comic Relief in 2013. In 2014 Vine joined the BBC cast comedy in series 2 as Sebastian.

Vine was the host of Don’t Blow the Inheritance Show for ITV Station. Tim has appeared in Celebrity Squares alongside Joe Wilkinson in 2014 an 2015 and Tim Vine Travels in Time on BBC One in 2007. He appeared on Countdown as a visitant in Dictionary Corner in April 2019.

Tim Books

2010 – The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book
2011 – The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children’s Edition
2013 – The Tim Vine Bumper Book of Silliness: Daft Jokes, Crazy Pictures, Utter None

Vine Stand-up DVDs

Live -29 November 2004
Live, So I Said To This Bloke-27 October 2008
Punslinger Live -22 November 2010
The Joke-a-motive Live -21 November 2011
Tim Timinee Tim Timinee Tim Tim to You -28 November 2016 33
Sunset Milk Idiot Live -25 November 2019

Vine Movies and TV Shows

FearMoth
Comic Relief: Uptown Downstairs Abbey
Dating Ray Fenwick
Claverdeek
Not Going Out

Blandings
The Sketch Show
Comic Relief Does Fame Academy
Whittle
Call My Bluff
Don’t Blow the Inheritance

Tim Quotes – Tim Vine Jokes

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” by Tim Vine

“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.” by Tim Vine

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” by Tim Vine

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”by Tim Vine

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’”by Tim Vine

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.” “I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”by Tim Vine

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’”by Tim Vine

“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”by Tim Vine

“I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”by Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’”by Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.’”by Tim Vine

“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’”by Tim Vine

“I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.”by Tim Vine

“I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”by Tim Vine

“I went down to the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.’”by Tim Vine

“I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”by Tim Vine

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”by Tim Vine

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”by Tim Vine

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”by Tim Vine

“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”by Tim Vine

“I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.”by Tim Vine

“I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.by Tim Vine

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr. Rice Guy.”by Tim Vine

“I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.”by Tim Vine

“Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?’by Tim Vine

“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’”by Tim Vine

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a sight for sore eyes.”by Tim Vine

“Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?’” “Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”by Tim Vine

“Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.”by Tim Vine

“I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.”by Tim Vine

“I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’”by Tim Vine

“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”by Tim Vine

“Velcro? What a rip-off!” “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just by Tim Vinea watch.’”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.by Tim Vine

“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’”by Tim Vine

Vine One-Liners

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.by Tim Vine

“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’by Tim Vine

“And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’by Tim Vine
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’”by Tim Vine

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”by Tim Vine
“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’by Tim Vine

I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said ‘To camp?’, I said [butchly] ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’
I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said ‘Camper?’ I said [campily] ‘Make your mind up.’
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar,” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin? Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar, it’s murder on the Orient Express…
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’ So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said, “No, just a watch.”
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”
So I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.
So this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness”.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Tim?”.
I said, “Ooh, I’ll just have one please”. She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite” “Alright,” I said “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow”

“You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle”
You see I’m against hunting, in fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. You see my next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”by Tim Vine

So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.’”
Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr. Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.’”
» “So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’”
“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”
“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, that’s a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit” I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
I want to tell you a bit about myself… I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”

“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.’
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

So this cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says “Audi!” So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo,” He said “You’re closest”
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s aboriginal.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

My mate bet with me that I’d never eaten at a barbeque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said, “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

Tim Awards and Achievements

Vine has won twice in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival Award and won the Guinness World Record for the most jokes.

Vine Salary

There are no details showing his annual or monthly earnings, his salary figures will be updated as soon as they are available.

Tim Vine Net Worth

Tim has enjoyed a long career in the comedy industry spanning almost three decades. Through proceeds from his work as a comedian, he has been able to accumulate a modest fortune. Vine is estimated to have a net worth of about $3 million.

Tim Vine Facts and Body Measurements

Here are some interesting facts you don’t want to miss about Vine:
Full Name: Timothy Mark Vine
Date of Birth: 4 March 1967
Age/ How old?: 52 years
Place of Birth: Cheam, London, England.
Birthday: 4th March
Nationality: British

Fathers Name: Diana Tillet
Mothers Name: Guy Vine
Siblings: Two, Sonya Vine, Jeremy Vine
Marital Status: Not Available

Children/ Kids: None
Height/ How tall?: 1.88m
Weight: Not Available

Frequently Asked Questions about Tim Vine

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