Ernie: (quietly) Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum, mmmmmmm.
(Ernie slips behind the chair and Bert looks over his shoulder too late. Ernie comes up at the top of the chair then slips behind before Bert looks.)
Ernie: Bum-bum, bum, bum, BA-BUUM!
Bert: Oh, Ernie. (Bert goes back to his reading but Ernie continues staring at him through the binoculars.) Ernie, what are you doing?
Ernie: Friend watching, Bert.
Bert: What?
Ernie: (takes binoculars away from face) You’re my best friend, I’m watching you, Bert. (puts binoculars back)
Bert: Why, pray tell, are you watching *me*, Ernie?
Ernie: (takes binoculars away) Oh, because I’m so happy that you’re you and that you’re the nicest, kindest, most wonderful friend and that you’re sitting there reading a book and that I’m just lucky enough to be able to stand here and watch my good buddy read a book. (puts binoculars back) Pay no attention, Bert.
Bert: That’s very touching, Ernie, but isn’t there something else you could watch maybe, huh?
Ernie: Oh, sure, Bert, I could watch birds or buses …
Bert: Good.
Ernie: … or TV …
Bert: Good, why don’t you? ‘Cause I’m trying to read this book, see?
Ernie: Oh, because, Bert, watching my best friend is much, much better.
Bert: Uh huh, I see. (goes back to his book and tries to ignore Ernie but finally) AAAAAA! Ernie, I can’t stand this! I mean, you are staring at me through those binoculars and it’s driving me bananas!
Ernie: (takes his binoculars from face) Oh, oh, Bert, I didn’t want to drive my old buddy bananas, I’ll just put away these silly binoculars. Besides that, I don’t need binoculars to watch you anyway, Bert. (starts staring at Bert, inching closer and closer until they’re nose-to-nose when Bert turns around.)
Bert: (puts up with this for about 30 seconds before exploding) AAAAAA! Ernie, will you stop it?! That is no good either, I don’t want you to stare at me, binoculars or not. I’m trying to read!
Ernie: Gee, Bert, you mean you’re not enjoying having a friend just sort of stand here and think how marvelous you are, Bert?
Bert: Well, no, Ernie, I’m sorry but, see, when someone is staring at me all I can do is think about *them* being *there* … staring! And I’d very much like to be able to concentrate on my book.
Ernie: Gee, I don’t understand, Bert.
Bert: AAAA! I’ll show you, here, take the book. (Ernie hesitates) Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it!!! (Ernie takes the book as Bert gets out of the chair)
Ernie: Okay, Bert.
Bert: Sit down, sit down. (Ernie sits) Now, now *you* try and read, go ahead. (starts staring at Ernie)
Ernie: (starts to read the pigeon book) Hmmm, okay … Oh, gee … (Bert looks at the camera, his eyebrows shoot up and he inches closer to Ernie as he reads. Bert’s nose is now practically in Ernie’s ear he’s so close!) … Wow … (engrossed in the book and not noticing Bert at all) Hey, Bert, this is a great book, Bert. Gee, thanks for letting me read it. You know, like I said, you’re the nicest, most wonderful best friend a guy ever had, Bert.
(Poor Bert rests his head against the back of the chair and lets out a heavy sigh as Ernie continues to read. The closing music plays a brief riff from “Someone To Watch Over Me” as Bert begins slowly banging his head on the side of the chair’s back.)